By Matthew P. Haubert | Fracture & Form

⚠ Content Warning: This post contains poetry and journal entries written during a psychiatric hospitalization. The material deals directly with suicidal ideation, self-harm, and mental health crisis. If you are currently struggling, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.

What follows is one of the most personal documents I have ever made public.
The Suicide Chapbook was not written for an audience. It was written day by day inside a psychiatric hospital at Ohio State Harding Hospital — poems and journal entries produced in real time while I was in the middle of a crisis in 2012. It is raw, unpolished, and completely honest in a way that very little of my other work has been. The spelling errors are intact. The fragmented thinking is intact. Nothing has been cleaned up.
This chapbook later became part of my full-length poetry collection Trauma: Poems and Songs of a Failed Life, available on Amazon. But I wanted to share it here in its original form — as its own document, as its own moment in time — because I think there is something important about seeing the arc of six days laid bare like this. Day 1 through Day 6 before being shipped to therapy station.  All I had was a tiny pencil and a dollar tree notebook. The defensiveness, the unraveling, the very tentative reaching toward something on the other side.
If you have ever been in a place like this — or if you love someone who has — I hope something here finds you.  This is some of my first dives into poetry, its a young writer, artist trying to find himself

Day 1

A Cheat

The hallway through and to
The one room without you.
People who seem to care,
Only for their feelings bare.
Living for attention, everyone is
Am I the only one in this?

Journal Entry #1

Some people, most people are just screaming out for help. It is all figurative lies, deceit and fear. Anyone under thirty simply wanting attention, and anyone over thirty years of age is drugged out. Am I the only one with a real problem in this ward of a hospital?

Today

Today, Today,
The grey has left me.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
History will join me.

Today, Today,
Too many thoughts intrigue me.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
My thoughts shall leave me.

Today, Today,
My life I know hath caught up to me.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
The mirror shall not see me.

Today, Today,
My soul will leave me.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
No one will forgive me.

Journal Entry #2

I am your thought in which you do not have,
One that hides in your pathetic head.
You are not normal to me your soul!
Me as a thought, not life controls your head.
Yes indeed you are truly sad.
When you say your tormented and mad,
To the point of tears your woebegone.
A created delusion you make me,
Then try to write a dispirted song.
When will you learn your mind is mine,
Cast down your happiness you will not have.
Downcast, Downheard, Dragged I shall do.
Accept you fucking pathetic fool.
Tormented with me, forever shall be.
In pain, In Sane, In love, With me

Signed; Your subconscious.

Day 2

Journal Entry
I realize now that I am not the only person with problems. But also I must relize that I have an extremely dangerous problem that could lead me to extreme agony. In which now this needs to be addressed. My life can not go this way anymore. No More.

Voice of reason,
Flys through me,
Self image treason,
Will deceive me.

Black, grainy, walls,
Become a path as helped,
No one shall let your fall,
My problems will be dealt.

To God

Will god, whoever runs this realm of worlds forgive me?
Will the people I hurt and deceive in life forgive me?
Will my father see me as respectful well grown man, forgive me?
Will the girl of my dreams whom I jeopardize the relationship, forgive me?
Will I break the habbit and forgive myself?

Journal Entry #3
I love my dearest so much, so in which why would I jepordize that when I could have everything and anything I have ever needed. Matt, you must fix the way you think. Get over yourself.

I Shall Not want. I shall not want, Materials or anything.

Want is a dark knife,
Cutting through my soulful light.
Greed is the soon end,
To my death, pain to begin.

Sonnet to ___

Am I a person in this dark room?
Do I but deceive people with my two?
Why be here, when Im nothing yet to groom,
With my patience for you, me, gone to do.

The violent yet beautiful eye look,
On to my sky of through, understand not.
Searching myself what my childhood took,
A feeling of warmth I have to sought.

But the hopfull glow of your light come through,
Shing, sparkling, dacing for amuse..
And the feeling that said you will be true,
Has come from your light everlasting fuse.

But I will always listen to your say.

Journal Entry #4
I feel sadness, pain. There is not a place for my head. For I am sent from the devils mouth itself. My pain cause the great fear of being alone. Please I just do no want to feel like this anymore. God take away my feelings and rid me of my life.

I hope I can keep my dearest. She is the one person I truly need. Please do not let me mess this idea up. I want to be at her face, in her arms. Alone with her, in my lay. Just with her.

Poem To Death
Here or back,
Where do I stand.
Live or die,
Unliked I planned.

And tomorrow is new,
With yesterdays hopes,
But under they go,
In the big black cloak.

Here or back,
Where do I stand,
Live or die,
Just like I planned.

Asylum I Lay

Sitting/laying in bed at midnight,
The screams of the asylum come alive.
The constant crying, the yelling, the torcherous tone.
Why are we all here, when we are truly alone.

Too get the help we onced seeked,
But no one here can see past us, the FREAK.
The screams terrify their frightening score.
Can I not do anything more?

Journal Entry #5
When the good times end, my heart drops through my body. Causing anxiety and the most painful though. I can not stand these feelings.

Empty Thoughts

Hath thy known thy empty thoughts
Thee crumbling, craving, implusive stops.
Nor when thy mist of rainy thoughts,
Hath my blush of devils cross.

Of when which swells beneath my head
Undying thought of the walking dead
Hath thy known thy empty thoughts.

Day 3

Journal Entry #6
The glimmer of hope comes slowy but fades the same. Closing fast are the walls that surround myself. Without a hope Im sealed shut inside. I am continually wondering just why? Why are I having the increasing painful sorrow to myself like when the sky darkens and the world falls into silence. Why?

I want to watch the world fail, the world to commit suicide itself. Why? Why are my thoughts currently such a depressing thought. With all the joyous ideas and still I am feeling the emptiness of self hatred.

Her
Let me refer to my thoughts as "her" to show an unorthodox perspective.

Her style thick
Dark, slowling breeze.
Her beauty elagent
Dancing, twirling at ease.

But with her dark way
Some light may shine,
For but the crack small,
Thy light intense, low, and fine.

She creeps to the front
Unstoppable force unknown.
But my love for her so,
The most prominent but still unknown.

Journal Entry #7
Still scared of whats to come after being here. I miss everyone outside. But in reality there is nothing really to miss.

Thy solace has remained,
Tho yearning for sweet pain.
A pain that chills and nest the inside,
Slowly burning like the kindle, the night,
And compresses the empty light inside.

For what my thoughts are worth,
(spreading like mist dreary on the earth),
Helpless may I be, but undying hope forgives me.

FLHLHA

Fear,
My hands shake uncontrollably;
Lust,
More and More my desire;
Greed,
The one thought consumes me;
Love,
No one that's near or here;
Hope,
Fiercly drove away;
Anger,
Agony I feel everyday.

Sonnet for Miranda

Let me explain this one beautiful name,
One which her desire sooths my hand.
Her thoughts yearn my trust like heavenly rain,
Worth for not an dreary comes my hand.

Searing with sunlight thy eyes look to me,
Craving, undying so bitter of shad.
How hath thee drawn from the suitors worthy,
Thee she still chose, a fate forever made.

Nor tho beauty is grand, devil in my hand,
Burns thy amuse, agony, the love.
For the heat like a lion fierce as be.
Thee beast from your body, thy never see.

Miranda for you I shall be the true,
Miranda for you I will split them in two.

Day 4

Journal Entry #7
Your beauty unrivaled
Im unable to scream.
Scream for my yearning,
For you are my love.

An intensity from your eyes,
Immediate softening of my heart.
Thee almost magical sound your voice,
With fierce energy which fills my void.

Your beauty unrivaled,
I am unable to understand,
For your action, your thought,
Thy vivid delight thee bring to me

Your beauty so glorious,
Your beauty so kind,
Your beauty so silent
Your beauty is forever mine.

Journal Entry #8
Concentration is abstruse, uncontrollable. The minds thought is not of singularity but of multitudes that of stars.

When I use to lay and hear footsteps from anyone I am afraid. Because of your dad. Im scared. The constant hounding for what I can not achieve in short time. I despise your black and white views with your pathetic fake laugh to make people like you. Hypocritical eyes. Accept me and let me pay you off slowly.

I am down right anxious, scared, because of you. Yes I make mistakes, but I can not make it up all at once.

Are these thoughts real? Or a delusion of my psychotic mind?

Journal Entry #9
Thy anger controls, my words uncontrolled.
Hateful I am, No words, Just sad.
Articulate the anger anxiety towards you,
It's only that you help me, Im so sorry for you.
I am a mess a pitiful disgrace.
Please forgive me dad. Please forgive me.

Windows

The craving for windows
For peering at thee.
But emptiness in thy realm,
Fiercly consumes thee.

An eternity so fated,
For worthy I shall not be.
And the mist of thy thought,
Sends me to tyranny.

Nestle alone wondering,
Tho intelligence is thee.
Hath thy not though,
A suitor of apathy?

Nor when thy wake,
A treacherous dream.
Nor when thy departed,
Thy ancient lore.

Journal Entry #10
Mathematics, Science, Physically abused
Astounding, yet insufficiently used.
Years of triumph these silly words.
Mathematics, science, physical abuse.

Day 5

Journal Entry #11
I want to leave this asylum. This is scary and uncontrollable fear. I miss my dearest so much. I can not take this. I am not depressed, I can control it, but being around these people makes me depressed. It is insane. I can not take this craziness. All I have to do is question myself. Do this right and create a socially acceptable norm life for myself.
Love for you my father,
Sorry I am.

End of Days

Nor can thy see the end of days,
Nor thy eternal suffering lay,
Hath thee inherit tyranny's way?
Nor can thy see the end of days?

Nor can thy see noontide today?
Nor thy undying blush of delay?
Hath thee chilly life tone at bay?
Nor can thy see the end of days?

Nor can an attempt sear malaise,
Nor tho thy soul complete this way.
Hath thee apathy, agony stays?
Nor can thy live thy way this daze.

Nor can thy see the end of days.

Day 6

Journal Entry #12
And expression of pain
A dove in the rain
Thy only real word
Can be seen in thirds
One for too many
The life has been not plenty
Nor nourishable but laughable
Thy just seem to be laughable
Two for the craving
Like the bird the song thee faking
A musical gesture
The one for just a queer gesture
The third the complicated
Death come the love fated
The third swells my hopes
Thy shalt not leave the asylum but in rope.

Journal Entry #13
A complicated thought to achieve the right goals. Creating a new life can not be so hard, but some persons threshold can only bear so much. Monstrosity is in my blood floating steadily and shall never leave. Can I confront these demons? We shall see.


To the Night

Subdued like a night,
Everlasting darkness,
Devotedly devoted,
To love of impossible.

Momentarily through,
The delirium soothes.
Subdued by night,
Suicide for you.

Journal Entry #14
Thy hope for strength from my inner self to explain my faults are all in the power I have within myself. God please help me do so.


A Final Hour

You lay
Your body lay neath my hands,
Waiting to be doomed to requiem.
Do not scream you can not break my plans,
Your part of a large compendium.

Eyes shall become black like your corpse,
Where you cannot scream from vocal chord.
The body like ice, chipped with warps,
So mangled the styx you can not afford.

Reap the pain your body so deep,
As you feel the decay you took from you,
Carcass so burned no one will make a peep,
As the feeling like sinking bleeds true.

Though of you will begin insomnia,
Like a black bird in a white room.
Never again will your thought glee.
Your thought will cause people pain doom.

Your body lay beneath my hands.

Countdown

3 hours
Till I die
3 hours
I will cry

2 hours
Time flying fast
2 hours
Are these my last?

1 hour
Anxiety and panic
1 hour
Depressed and maniac

No hour
Bleeding out
No hour
Throat slit, can't shout.

Mom

"Do you find me evil, mom?"
Will you look when I am gone…
Am I a mistake for you?
Like you told me when I was only two!
What is the word Love I hear?
I hope I can hear it when I'm gone from you.


Where?

Unhappy,
The wrist.
Sorrowful,
The neck.
Gloomy,
The mind.
Tragical,
The stomach.
Content…
Never be.

Sonnet to the Wicked Knife of Thought

Can I say my knife is that of my thought?
Cutting, Slicing more vividly than sweet.
Rough this feels but is this not what I sought?
So soothing, deep, like a song, perfect beat.
Then day cometh the beat becomes to sound,
And the knife of thought seeps my body through.
Agony I feel, I see, but want found,
My blood from ideas the knife but knew.
Escape I must not, for I do adore,
That ache I must sense to numb my own tear.
Alleviated from world's hateful cure,
The burn, distress, cringe like you I fear.
Maybe not so odd as I believe am
Then no longer I will meet the damned.


To __ ___

Confused, Scared
To be sitting alone
I need to hear your voice.

Become, Will
Lose you soon
What will god guide me to do.

Save me god from my evil
Rid my life but let her stay.
I cannot live any other way.


Pale White

Thy face hath become pale,
Like the sides of thee white house.
The paint withering away,
Like the skin near thy eye a louse

Thy color no more,
Than a fruit well decayed.
The skin that was thee,
Has become unable to aid.


Valentines Day Part II

As you lay,
Silent more less,
I can hear your pray,
In your long evening dress.

Wishing for more,
A hope to come.
A Valentine adore,
Not one who is a bum.

A handsomous man,
Who can never be thee,
For not I began,
A child I still be.

A hallmark holiday,
Which you love to dream,
Is a mile away,
You say, it seems.

Two years the day,
Now how can you live,
When you live astray,
With no more to give.

Valentines Day,
You still have hope,
Please just part way,
And begin to cope.

With that pressure from within,
Your body just weak.
Full of your sin,
Help is what you seek.

Love for another,
Not what you need,
Love for yourself,
Then you will be free.

Thief

The urge is here
How to cope without fear
The urge with sense
Stop without future tense

The urge more and more
One which I simply love to adore
The urge more and more
One which I can not assure

The urge can't stop
I need to pop
The urge
Stop.

Words

Tired,
But alive,
Alive,
But slow,
Slow,
But racing,
Racing,
But last,
Last,
But satisfied,
Satisfied,
But sad,
Sad,
But complete,
Complete,
But falling,
Falling,
But paralyzed,
Paralyzed,
But shaking,
Shaking,
But sleeping,
Sleeping,
But dead,
Dead,
And happy.

This chapbook is included in full in Trauma: Poems and Songs of a Failed Life by Matthew P. Haubert, available on Amazon.
If you are struggling, you are not alone. Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
— Matthew P. Haubert | Fracture & Form