Intro:

I wrote this in one sitting, as a journal entry that started in the wreckage and tried to talk its way out. It begins with guilt, jail, rehab, and a lot of questions I still can’t answer. Somewhere in the middle it turns into an argument with myself about memory, regret, and whether the past has any right to follow me around. I didn’t clean up the swearing or the spiraling, and I only smoothed the grammar. If you’ve ever carried something you can’t put down, maybe some of it will land for you too.

Every second has a choice. This is one.

Where did these years go?

Some fun nights, scattered and mixed into a torment of self-destructive, bizarre behavior. A pattern I chose, and I hurt others with it. So many people. Some I’ve never even seen. Never even fucking looked at in my life. What was wrong with me? Why did I seek that attention out so much?

Yes, jail and Crossway rehab were good for me. They sent me down the darkest road I’ve ever been on, after depression, but maybe I needed that to see a glimmer of hope. Fuck, there’s barely any there now. Why was I like this? Is it a chemical imbalance? Neglect? Never being told I was loved? Can I even love? I am crazy and insane. I still have distorted views, and social anxiety crippling my ability to be normal. I put on a false person, a tough-guy manly man, forced into being this by conditioning. Forever tortured and struggling in my head.

I can’t think half the time I’m alive. I think I hallucinate most of my life. Shit, I could be in a mental hospital right now. Did any of that really exist? It’s in the past, gone forever. It’s done. It’s literally gone. So stop ruminating on it. This whole journal entry is just self-loathing, and your mind making you anxious and crazy over nothing. It’s over. Now is now.

The past is gone. Memories, sure, but wtf are those? Invisible neurons that die eventually. A blow to the head, and in my world the past never existed.

Don’t forget, Matt. The future doesn’t exist either. Only this second. Right now. All the writing you just did, that moment from a few milliseconds ago, is gone. Stop and think, and that train of thought and epiphany is gone too. That good feeling that something clicked is gone already.

You can use the past and future to shape yourself to be better, to make something that helps others be better. But in reality they only exist in your mind. Those memories are stored in the brain differently in every person. So why beat yourself up and hold grudges on yourself when someone else could see it differently? You don’t know what others are thinking.

And if others are thinking badly about you, or about something you did, don’t mind them, and don’t try to help them get past those nonexistent things. Memories, good and bad, are stored only the way you make them and perceive them. They are not world-changing. Shit, 99.9999 percent of people don’t know anything about you, so why struggle with yourself when no one else does? Fuck those who judge, condemn, and hate. They do it because they can’t come to grips with what doesn’t exist: your past and your future.

Think of it this way. New people being born will never know your past, except through writing or storytelling, which is fine. Lessons can be learned, so you can live each second better. But those stories are all perceived differently and stored differently, and people bend things to their own view. So the past still doesn’t exist. It’s just stories to help you do better moving forward.

Live each second. If you have a bad memory or a bad habit, all you have to do is stop, right this second. Boom. It’s gone. It doesn’t exist anymore. It only exists if you let it stay real, as a haunting, hallucinating reality, when really it’s just a story told from your point of view. Shit, 99 percent of our memories are probably falsified by our own skewed perception.

The only thing that exists is right now.

Not the sentence I just wrote, or this one I’m writing. They’re already past, just a document showing I typed some stuff in a feeling-intelligent mood. To others it might seem like complete bullshit. That’s okay, because who’s right anyway? The only thing you can prove is where you are right now and what you’re doing right now. Don’t take it day by day, because then you start looking at the fake future. Take it moment by moment. Sure, remember things, write songs, tell stories, read articles, but remember they’re all made-up perceptions in people’s minds.

A sac of goo that sees colors and hears sounds, which are what? Invisible neurons.

Live for right now. Learn every second. Don’t dwell on shit. Take those moments, learn, and live now.

I’m not saying all memories should be forgotten, or that it’s okay to just say fuck it. No. You need those to be who you are. But don’t let past mistakes, or past positives, influence you the wrong way. Obsession, bad or good, is not good. Realize those memories can be knocked out of you with one trip and then they never existed. Other people may remember it, but if you don’t, did it exist? It’s worth learning from your memories and from others’ to be better now. But it’s not good to obsess over them to the point where it drives you insane or steers you wrong.

Some people will say, “Fuck it, I’ll do whatever, it doesn’t really exist outside my head.” That’s not what I mean. Those people can’t comprehend this, or don’t want to face that they’re ignoring the present, which is all that matters.

You can plan, and remind yourself to be better. But if you kill yourself or torture your mind over it, you’ll suffer your whole life and make others suffer with you.

That goes for anything: diet articles, workouts, music, readings, news. It’s all perception, someone else’s memories written down. Some things are fact, of course, but you have to find what works for you, using memories and past mistakes from here on out to make better decisions.

Don’t keep a guillotine of memories over your neck. If you come to a crossroad where you’re obsessing, thinking ahead, ruminating, or feeling guilty about mistakes, all you can do is stop. Use those memories, which truly only exist in your head, to make the best choice this second. Long-term goals are good sometimes, but obsessing will kill you mentally. Say, this is my goal, then use every second to make the right choice, from your own memories or from researching others’ on the issue.

That’s what I mean by living in the moment, because it’s the only reality that’s real. This very second. Regret and guilt are worthless. Hatred and predetermination are worthless. You are only what you are right now.

Every second has a choice. Don’t plan ahead. Don’t ruminate on the past. Just make the right choice now.

That’s it.