A collection of the songs I’ve written in 2026. Some are fully fingerpicked folk, some are raw voice-and-guitar sketches, and some are still finding their shape. Thanks for reading and listening.
Content note: many of these songs deal with addiction, overdose, and suicide. If you are struggling, you can call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.) at any time.
In This Collection
- The Stain
- Where the Light Gives Out
- Still Here, Why?
- One Year Ago Tonight
- Blackberry Summer
- Too Stupid
- Drowning
- Yours
- No One Answers (Except When They Want Drugs)
- Real Suffering
The Stain
[Verse 1]
There’s a stain in my room that I can’t forget
It’s from when you were so drunk one night
You threw up and we laughed about it
And this hope’s all over my clothes
From cigarette marks
laughing and letting the embers get to low
two of us talking so fast, fast with each other
Oh, we’re better together, talking in mazes only we understand
Though now, there are all those nights left to go
[Verse 2]
And I walk down the stairs, it reminds me
That I loved waiting for the sound of your footsteps
The front door, slamming shut, knowing that
You had come home from a days work
The dogs would be barking in excitement
Awakening me up from my pill induced nap
Just so we could do it again, all night, again and again
The same things and pretend we were living some kind of life
[Chorus]
And please, tell me that you miss
At least one day of it
One moment of our love
Oh, please, tell me that you miss
At least one day of it
Just a little bit of us, just a little bit, just a little bit
[Outro]
But now 10 years I don’t hear from you now
There’s plenty of time to look at my phone
scroll down and up your name
Just to dial it, hang up because I know, you won’t
Answer for me anyway
‘Cause the last time I’ve seen you, you had a snarl
On your face
Your voice had a growl
That was full of hate and I don’t know why, it’s been so many years
I just wanted to be friends without yelling and tears
But I think you’re faking it, I think you’re just like me
There’s at least one night out of ten years
That I know you’ve loved me
At least I hope, please tell me that I’m right
and that there was more
Than one night
Where we were in love
Where the Light Gives Out
Your lips have gone the color of an old bruise,
my heart’s doing something it shouldn’t know how to do.
I won’t ask if this is the one — don’t wake up,
I’ll just lie here counting the breaths, and be anxious with you.
No clocks, no calls, today this could be the end.
But at the moment we’re just two mouths too dry to say goodbye.
If the room stops spinning and you don’t open your eyes,
I’ll still be here when the ambulance arrives.
There is nowhere else I’d rather crash and end, together —
not sober, not clean, how long has it been?
Just the shape of your body before the high gives out,
and I’ll follow your curves down, however far, to kill our doubt.
They’ll find us ruined and twisted together,
two names that people will sigh in relief over, when we’re in the paper.
But don’t worry, I’ll keep the nightlight on and watch over you,
maybe we can have a few conversations to ignore the shaking too.
And if it’s nothing after — if we wake up dead,
I’d rather share this night than any life I could have had.
Every high I’ve chased has ended in bed with you,
so wherever this one’s taking us, that’s where I’m staying too.
There is nowhere else I’d rather crash and end, together —
not sober, not clean, not since god knows when.
Just some addicts using drugs, and the payments due.
But I’m not afraid of what the morning finds,
I’m just afraid there won’t be a morning left, but our bodies entwined.
Silent, cold, ocean blue.
Not breathing anymore.
Still Here, Why?
[Verse 1]
Forty-two tiles on the ceiling above me
I know because I’ve had all night to count
Somebody’s machine is keeping better time my heart pumps
Somebody’s hand undid when I tried to kill myself
I can hear my own veins flowing barely through my body
I don’t know what to do with another morning
I never planned on, because I should be dead
[Chorus]
I’m angry at every year I let go sideways
Angry I waited this long to feel this loud
But there’s a strange kind of quiet moving in behind it
The first still my head’s had in years, right now
I don’t know if that’s healing or just shock
I don’t know if I’ve earned the right to call it peace
But for the first time the noise isn’t screaming
And I’m still here, and I don’t know what that means yet
[Verse 2]
My mother’s asleep sitting up in the chair
Like she’s been holding the room together with her spine
I want to tell her I’m sorry for the version of me
That thought this was the only way to be kind
The tube in my arm feels like an apology
Nobody wanted me to make
Thirty six years and I’m just now learning
How much of it I was ready to waste
[Chorus]
I’m angry at every year I let go sideways
Angry I waited this long to feel this loud
But there’s a strange kind of quiet moving in behind it
The first still my head’s had in years, right now
I don’t know if that’s healing or just shock
I don’t know if I’ve earned the right to call it peace
But for the first time the noise isn’t screaming
And I’m still here, and I don’t know what that means yet
[Bridge]
Nobody warned me survival feels like torture
In a mind that’s burning inside constantly
Angry at the wreckage, grateful for the walls around
So I’ll sit in this quiet I didn’t earn
And see what I can build with what’s left of me
[Final Chorus]
Still angry at every year I let go sideways
Still angry, but the anger’s got some room to breathe
There’s a strange kind of quiet I’m learning to trust now
Maybe that’s not peace, maybe it’s just relief
I don’t know yet what I’ll do with this morning
Or the one after that, or the one after that
But my heart’s still going like it’s proud of itself
So I’ll let it. I’ll let it. That’s enough, for now, that’s that
One Year Ago Tonight
[Verse 1]
Today came back around again, I knew it would
A date I never thought I’d see, but here I stood
The calendar don’t know the things it means to me
It just says September nineteenth, like any other day could be
One year ago tonight, I overdosed, stopped breathing
One year ago tonight, I couldn’t see past the nineteenth
I don’t remember everything, but I remember enough
To know there’s someone part of me that doesn’t want to live
[Pre-Chorus]
And I don’t know what to call it
When the past comes through the door
I just know I’m still standing
When I knew for sure I wouldn’t be here
[Chorus]
One year ago tonight
I stopped breathing
Now counting all the ways
I’ve wasted another year
I’m still afraid of being in my head
Still fighting the darkness inside
Why did I keep breathing
When I had no more spark inside myself
One year ago tonight
I thought my story would end
But I’m still here
Why am I still here
[Verse 2]
There’s a strange kind of survivor’s guilt
In waking up the next day
Like I cheated death somehow
And don’t know what I’m supposed to say
I kept the lights on through some nights
I wrote when I couldn’t sleep
Some mornings feel like nothing
Some mornings felt like I don’t deserve
[Pre-Chorus]
And maybe I don’t need a reason
I’m just lucky for some reason
Maybe getting through the night
Is just random chance, eventually my luck will run out
[Chorus]
One year ago tonight
I stopped breathing
Now counting all the ways
I’ve wasted another year
I’m still afraid of being in my head
Still fighting the darkness inside
Why did I keep breathing
When I had no more spark inside myself
One year ago tonight
I thought my story would end
But I’m still here
Why am I still here
[Bridge]
I still don’t forgive myself for anything
I still don’t feel beautiful
I still don’t understand life
Why I lived is my nightmare
I only know the mornings keep coming
And somehow I came with it
And somehow I’m still writing
And somehow I’m still living
[Final Chorus]
One year ago tonight
I stopped breathing
One year ago tonight
I disappeared
And I’m still afraid
Sometimes I still cry
Because I still want to disappear
I just don’t want another day
One year ago tonight
I thought there’d be no after
Now I’m standing in the same dark alone
And I laugh at the joke that is my life
I don’t know what comes next
I’ll never know the point of any of this
One year ago I should have left
I should have died, and been released from my pain
[Outro]
September nineteenth
One year later
Still afraid
Still here
Why am I still here
Blackberry Summer
[Verse 1]
Barefoot on the gravel where the county road runs out
You had purple on your fingers and a laugh I can’t live without
We didn’t have a dollar, but we had the whole damn day
And a basket by the creek bed, and nothing much to say
[Chorus]
Oh, stay a little longer, let the porch light burn out
This has been a long time coming, and I’m slow to learn what loving’s about
But I know where the sweet tastings grow
Down where the wild vines spread and the river flows
Oh, stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
Let your hair go down down down, you know
Stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
We can’t leave now, winter’s almost here to take away another year
[Verse 2]
Your flatbed truck was rusted but it ran us through town
And we split a paper sack of peaches on the tailgate till sundown
You said, “Boy, you’re gonna wander, about the secrets inside of me,”
And I said, “Maybe so, but right seems okay, you know?”
“‘Cause every road I ever took just led me back to you
Blackberry summer, I know that and only that to be true”
[Chorus]
Oh, stay a little longer, let the porch light burn out
This has been a long time coming, and I’m slow to learn what loving’s about
But I know where the sweet tastings grow
Down where the wild vines spread and the river flows
Oh, stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
Let your hair go down down down, you know
Stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
We can’t leave now, winter’s almost here to take away another year
[Bridge]
Well, the years fold up like paper and the fields turn into towns
And the ones who loved you first are the ones who’re not around
But I still taste it in the August air, that sticky, sweet, skin-pressed love
Lord, I’d trade the whole damn life for one more July night
[Final Chorus]
Oh, stay a little longer, let the porch light burn out
This has been a long time coming, and I’m slow to learn what loving’s about
But I know where the sweet tastings grow
Down where the wild vines spread and the river flows
Oh, stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
Let your hair go down down down, you know
Stay a little longer, blackberry summer,
Don’t go,
We can’t leave now, winter’s almost here to take away another year
Too Stupid
[Verse 1]
I can’t keep going this way, the nights are eating me alive
Cry until the sun comes up, don’t know how I survive
Feels like I’ve been lost so long I forgot the way back home
Nobody’s out there loving me, I’m doing this alone
[Pre-Chorus]
I’m afraid to leave the house
Afraid of my own head
Afraid of what I’ll turn into
If I believe what it said
[Chorus]
Too stupid for the world, keep running wild at 3 AM
Can’t tell if I’m still fighting or I’m giving in
I’m afraid of my own head, afraid of what’s inside
Nobody’s coming for me, so I stay up and I cry
Too stupid for the world, too tired to understand
Every thought becomes a weapon that I can’t keep out of my hands
I’m afraid of my own head—
Afraid of what’s inside
[Verse 2]
I used to think I’d figure out a reason to stay
Now I’m just counting hours till the dark turns gray
Every wall’s a little closer than it was before
I don’t remember the last time I opened my front door
[Pre-Chorus]
I’m afraid to leave the house
Afraid of my own head
Afraid of what I’ll turn into
If I believe what it said
[Chorus]
Too stupid for the world, keep running wild at 3 AM
Can’t tell if I’m still fighting or I’m giving in
I’m afraid of my own head, afraid of what’s inside
Nobody’s coming for me, so I stay up and I cry
[Bridge]
Maybe no one’s coming
Maybe that’s the truth I’ve gotta face
Maybe I’ve gotta be the one
Who finally stays
[Final Chorus]
Too stupid for the world, still running wild at 3 AM
Can’t tell if I’m still fighting, but I’m still here again
I’m afraid of my own head, but I’m done going quiet
No one’s coming to save me, so I’ll write through the night
Too stupid for the world, but I’m still trying to understand
Maybe being broken doesn’t mean I have to disappear
I’m afraid of my own head—
But I ain’t going quiet
No one’s coming to save me,
So I’ll write through the night.
Drowning
The rain came down
Like somebody
That finally
Starts to listen
Rain came down
Like somebody
Who started to listen
And I couldn’t tell if I was crying
Or if the sky was just
Like me and grieving
I took so many pills
I’d been saving
For this night
That all my doctors named
All my friends named
Pretentiously said
They didn’t understand
Every street
Is a little longer now
Every
Window blurs the same
I called you once
I called you twice
I watched the little silence
Wait on your name
Should I have been there with my love
And I thought
Oh maybe this is what I deserve
To become a story we can tell without remembering
So I walked towards the river
With my old town underwater
As I stepped closer
My shoes filled with rain
My tongue began to gag
On the water
And it was too heavy to pray
But I laughed
At the traffic going by ’cause they couldn’t see me
And I couldn’t stand the cry
I said look at me now, I’m finally doing something you can’t ignore
And it was so cold
And the river
Kept moving
Pulling me under
Like it had somewhere to be
And I was just part of the show
And I hated that it was taking my moment from me
Because
I wanted the world for once
To stop and see
I just want somebody
To run through that rain
And scream my name
Like get
That everything to them
I wanted everyone to be wrong
I wanted every person
Who looked away
To wake up tomorrow
And understand
And then I heard myself whisper
If I disappear
Just to prove that you don’t care
And you still
Get to be right
Well then that faded ’cause the rain kept falling
And I sank down
And my memories
Couldn’t remember what
I meant to write
And while I was drowning
I found a sentence in my pocket
That started with, “I’m sorry”
And I couldn’t decide who it was for
You or me
Everyone who’d ever answered
Maybe nobody
Maybe the only thing
I wanted to leave behind
Was the screams of somebody
Finally telling the
True
From the lies
So here it is
I was angry
I was lonely
I wanted you to notice
I wanted to punish you
For not loving me
But I don’t want my death to be the proof
That you were right to leave me alone
So I stay there
In the river
Until the storm
Got tired
And my cheeks grew blue
And when the morning came
I was no longer the angry or pain
And I was still lonely
As before
And I was still here
And somehow
It was the same
As before
Yours
[Verse 1]
Lock the door behind us, kill the lights,
Your hands are already finding mine,
I’ve been thinking ’bout this all day long,
Now the only thing playing is this song.
[Pre-Chorus]
Slow it down, then speed it up,
Can’t get enough, can’t get enough —
[Chorus]
I want you closer, want you underneath,
Want your breath right here against my teeth,
Every inch of you, I want to memorize
Take it off, take it off, I don’t need the lights,
Baby, I’m yours, and you’re mine tonight.
[Verse 2]
Sheets are tangled, record’s on repeat,
Your name’s the only word I want to speak,
We move together like we wrote the book,
Slow at first, then we can’t help how it looks.
[Chorus]
I want you closer, want you underneath,
Want your breath right here against my teeth,
Every inch of you, I want to memorize
Take it off, take it off, I don’t need the lights,
Baby, I’m yours, and you’re mine tonight.
[Bridge]
No, we don’t need to rush it,
We got till the morning light,
So touch me like you mean it,
And I’ll do the same tonight —
[Final Chorus]
I want you closer, want you underneath,
Want your breath right here against my teeth,
Every inch of you, I want to memorize
Take it off, take it off, I don’t need the lights,
Baby, I’m yours — I’m yours tonight.
No One Answers (Except When They Want Drugs)
[Verse 1]
It’s been so many years
Well, I’m begging now for attention
And I don’t get anyone to hear
All someone’s to till is
How the best friend
But they only use me
When they need something like drugs
If they wanna get high
[Verse 2]
They don’t come over to say hello
They just want to use me to get some blow and
I don’t know why
They won’t answer me except to
Show up at 3:00 AM saying hey, I missed you
They just want
My night life, my past
And that’s gone and alone
[Verse 3]
So who am I
Without my
Bad habits
Should I go
Back to them
And stop
Trying to look for
Some friends
And not be alone at night
And have someone to rely
[Verse 4]
‘Cause it’s been
Over a month since anyone said anything more to me
I had one person show up once, but they
Were just testing if I still used
And it’s sad
And I hate that it’s like this
Real Suffering
I want a house with a movie-script family,
but instead I’m boxed inside a drug-stained apartment
stacked high with regrets.
In my lonely chair, I rehearse old dreams,
but time presses its boot on my back,
crushing the last pieces of who I thought I’d become.
Dirty carpet. Mold-rotted sinks.
Family heirlooms buried in dust and shame.
Clothes twenty years old, folded like memories that never
changed.
Photos of the past hang around my neck like a noose.
Tears gather on the pile of bills that keep me anchored here.
Polished instruments — untouched, avoided —
because I can’t face the songs they’d try to drag out of me.
Rooms arranged with objects I think “normal people” own,
to pretend I still know how to be normal.
Burned-out light bulbs. Stolen toilet paper
from the market down the street.
An empty kitchen, because the drugs ate the food budget
again.
The living room is my home gym: pacing back and forth
until the madness shakes loose.
The bedroom is my grave:
a dug-out pit where I’ve spent too many years
wondering what if, and never getting out to try.
So many times I’ve clawed out of death’s box,
made it a few steps ahead
before God cracks the ground in front of me,
reminding me I still owe penance
for every sin I’ve tried to outrun.
No one visits. My cheap tricks burn out fast. People stay safe by staying far away.
You can tell I’m spiraling by the hair I don’t cut,
the clothes I don’t wash,
the days I hide indoors
waiting for a door — any door —
to open me back into the world.
If I could escape this life I fake satisfaction in, I would.
If I had the courage for a normal day,
I’d be a better human
than whatever broken shadow I’ve become.
I walk a path to death —
the devil’s gift, wrapped as an escape.
Late-night madness. Sun-lit days slept through.
Sometimes I look forward to my own ending
more than I look forward to anything else.
Take away the 2 a.m. messages I send to ghosts —
old faces I wouldn’t even recognize now —
hoping one might say they’re glad to hear from me.
Hope is a foolish god; it demands loyalty
and gives nothing in return.
No one answers my nostalgic pleas
to feel like I did years before I lost myself
to whatever the hell I am today.
So I stay here, waiting for the next eviction notice,
holding the lights on
because I’m terrified of closing my eyes
and dying alone in this bed,
All words and music by Matthew P. Haubert. © 2026 Fracture & Form.
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