Journal from 3/18/2018 incarcerated 

I see your new walk —
style, confidence,
the lift in your step,
a new twilight at the edge of your eye,
a smirk I don't recognize
at the corner of your mouth.

The beautiful way you carry yourself now.
You dress in harmony I've never seen, with your curves.
Even now your words sound foreign,
to me, to everyone.

When you say I love you,
the tone has switched —
some happier illusion behind your lips when you speak,
truth moving in front of hidden messages.

All the while I lie across miles of land, locked away,
dreaming of the five minutes before,
your voice on the phone,
speaking those three words.

I love you —

all while you lie in a bed soaked with sweat
that isn't mine.
Another man's hands touching
what your sexual intuition offered him.
And I stay awake, far away,
still dreaming of you, knowing the game at play.

Remembering the choice I gave you,
to leave, to split, before I went in, locked away,
to make it easier on both our lives.
But you chose to stay, gave me false hope in my brain.

Now I know my feelings count for nothing.
But I know, somewhere, you still love me.
But together I can't be happy, neither can you,
while our love is far and gone, split for miles and months.

It's not your fault I'm away.
I just wish we'd gone separate ways
instead of trying to force something
we both knew wouldn't last or stay.

But when it all comes to light,
I will make sure to thank him,
for the smile he put back in your life,
for painting you a new portrait, one where you're dancing in happiness.
Yes, I think I will thank him,
for giving you what I never could.

You are wonderful, misunderstood,
someone I never deserved.

So my only choice
is to step back,
let your new love grow.

I'll disappear for good on release —
no grudge, no holding on,
nothing to hemorrhage your soul.
I love you too much to drag you through painful nonsense.

So goodbye, the one true love of my life.
Be happy, always.

And you, the new one,
take care of her.
Love her well.
Don't make the mistake I did, of letting her go.