I wrote this a year after my suicide attempt. It’s about the hospital room, the anger, and the strange quiet that came after.

[Verse 1 ]
Forty-two tiles on the ceiling above me
I know because I’ve had all night to count
Somebody’s machine is keeping better time my heart pumps
Somebody’s hand undid when I tried to kill myself
I can hear my own veins flowing barely through my body
I don’t know what to do with another morning
I never planned on, because I should be dead

[Chorus]
I’m angry at every year I let go sideways
Angry I waited this long to feel this loud
But there’s a strange kind of quiet moving in behind it
The first still my head’s had in years, right now
I don’t know if that’s healing or just shock
I don’t know if I’ve earned the right to call it peace
But for the first time the noise isn’t screaming
And I’m still here, and I don’t know what that means yet

[Verse 2 ]
My mother’s asleep sitting up in the chair
Like she’s been holding the room together with her spine
I want to tell her I’m sorry for the version of me
That thought this was the only way to be kind
The tube in my arm feels like an apology
Nobody wanted me to make
Thirty six years and I’m just now learning
How much of it I was ready to waste

[Chorus]
I’m angry at every year I let go sideways
Angry I waited this long to feel this loud
But there’s a strange kind of quiet moving in behind it
The first still my head’s had in years, right now
I don’t know if that’s healing or just shock
I don’t know if I’ve earned the right to call it peace
But for the first time the noise isn’t screaming
And I’m still here, and I don’t know what that means yet

[Bridge]
Nobody warned me survival feels like torture
In a mind thats burning inside constantly
Angry at the wreckage, grateful for the walls around
So I’ll sit in this quiet I didn’t earn
And see what I can build with whats left of me

[Final Chorus]
Still angry at every year I let go sideways
Still angry, but the anger’s got some room to breathe
There’s a strange kind of quiet I’m learning to trust now
Maybe that’s not peace, maybe it’s just relief
I don’t know yet what I’ll do with this morning
Or the one after that, or the one after that
But my heart’s still going like it’s proud of itself
So I’ll let it. I’ll let it. That’s enough, for now, that’s that